Dress Code
by Lonicera Japonica
Summary: Spandam gets sick of the lax dress code and instates a new policy that doesn't work out quite the way he'd planned.


The dress code was getting out of hand.

Normally, it wouldn't be a problem. Frankly, they were the highest secret organization in the government, and Spandam kind of liked letting people know this by letting them wear whatever they wanted. _See? My agents don't even have a uniform. They can do whatever they want, and I'm the only one who can give them orders_.

But…well, there was Kaku and his eye-searing tracksuit, and Jyabura never buttoned his shirt, and Kalifa…well, something had to be done. It was just silly. Spandam was not at home to silliness in his organization. There was a fine line between "my agents are the best" and "my agents are ridiculous and have no fashion sense". It was time to instate a uniform policy.

Once he had all of them assembled in the meeting room, Spandam stood up, palms on the table, and said "This is getting out of hand," in his best authoritative voice. He was met with seven blank stares. Spandam sighed and dragged a hand over the side of his face. "Your uniforms."

"We don't have a uniform," Kaku pointed out, and, as an afterthought, added "sir."

"That's exactly the point!" Spandam shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "Your damn tracksuit burns my retinas every time I look at it! And Fukurou, you can't go around wearing that goddamn karate gi all the time. It looks stupid!"

Kaku made a confused face and looked down at himself, while Fukurou adopted a shifty expression that meant he was either plotting or uncomfortable. Spandam smacked his forehead.

"Look, Blueno's the only one of you who ever bothers to wear a suit. Well, and Lucci." The latter had deigned not to show up. Spandam could only hope there was a better reason for this than not caring what he had to say.

"That's because Lucci likes wearing a suit," said Kaku.

"And Blueno has an innate compulsion to be insufferably professional at all times," Kalifa said mildly. Blueno didn't bother to refute this.

Spandam sighed. "Well, maybe you all should take a page from his book. Kumadori, you can't just wear…whatever the hell that is all the time. It freaks people out even more than you by yourself do."

Kumadori looked hurt. "It's a yuuukata, sir…"

"Well, get a suit," Spandam snapped. He paused. "If you can find one in your size. I don't know, something black, at least. And Kalifa…" He stopped. "Um…"

"That's sexual harassment, sir."

"…Right. Well, maybe you could…do something about…"

She was looking at him, very calmly, over the rims of her glasses.

"…Never mind. And Jyabura, what the hell is that thing even called?"

Jyabura plucked at the corner of his shirt and looked at it as if he'd never seen it before. "Cheongsam," he said.

"Well, it's ridiculous. Do something about it."

Jyabura looked exceedingly pissed off, but he didn't say anything. Spandam sighed.

"Look, when one of you sees Lucci, let him know he can't carry that bird of his around everywhere, okay? It's really unprofessional and I'm sick of explaining to people why my best agent has a pet pigeon."

This resulted in many exchanged looks. Finally, Kaku said, in a grim and measured tone, "I'll let him know."

"Good," said Spandam, feeling as though he'd resolved a problem. "Dismissed."

Two days later, Spandam opened the door to the break room and strode to the front of the room. Then he surveyed his agents. "Er, would you all stand at attention, or something?"

There was a pause, then something akin to a collective shrug, and everyone stood up. Spandam looked them over. "Right…Kaku?"

"Yes, sir?"

"You're still wearing a tracksuit."

He looked down. "It's black," he explained, and looked back up. "And I have a pocket square."

Spandam blinked. He opened his mouth, closed it, and moved on. "Jyabura…"

"Got a tie, Chief."

"…er. So you did." Kalifa was next, and he could have _sworn_ her dress was even shorter than a few days ago. "Kalifa—"

"That's sexual harassment."

"What!? All I did was…nnrgh, never mind." He rubbed his forehead. "Fukurou, why are you wearing bracelets?"

"Because I like them, chapapa."

"…Riiight…Kumadori, what's with the shoes?"

"Yoyoi! I'm sooorry, sir, I just didn't feel right withooout my geta…"

Spandam was getting a headache. "Fine. Blueno, what's with the gloves?"

Blueno just looked at him, utterly passive. Spandam didn't know what to say, but he got the impression that he was being made fun of, somehow. Not that there was actually a way to call him out on it…last was Lucci, who was wearing a suit, but with a definite air that he was doing so because he happened to like his suit, and for no other reason.

There was also a pigeon on his shoulder.

It was wearing a tie.

Spandam gave up.

"Fine! Fine, these are your new uniforms. At least they're black. I just give up. Dismissed." He threw his hands up and then flung them toward the door, as if shooing them. No one moved.

"This is the break room, sir," Kalifa pointed out, pushing her glasses up. Spandam blinked.

"…Oh, right. I'll…be in my office, then." He rubbed his temples. "No one break anything. We just got a new coffee table last week."

"That wasn't my fault," Jyabura snapped. As Spandam left the room, he could have sworn that Lucci was almost smirking.

And the pigeon was _watching_ him, the feathery little bastard. Sometimes, Spandam swore the bird was the sanest agent he had.


End file.
